Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
You Might Also Like
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Seems legit
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.