Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Me: don’t be hitting!

Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!

Him, 9: you threw a block at me!

Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible