Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok