Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair