Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Body by cheese-puffs.

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS