Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

Guantanamo Bae

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt