Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute