Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

This is amazing.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her