Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
what?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh