Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

ㅤ

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”