Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.