@abbycohenwl

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

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@jjhartinger

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

@weismanjake

Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don’t think of this word, a random man will be put to death.

@justokdane

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

@dave_cactus

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

@Monicake0128

The problem with speaking the truth is..

..you assume others do too

@GrantTanaka

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

@soyourelikethat

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

@T_Bonezzz_

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping