Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.