Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
repaired
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me