Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.