Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

Britain be like

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

peeping toms

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me