Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
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80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Get in loser we’re going crying