By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
You Might Also Like
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
couldn’t resist
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.