Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

won’t smith

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

But I really needed water water water

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.