By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!