@JuliusGoat

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

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@nayele18maybe

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

@1followernodad

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

@Spaziotwat

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

@tweetsvisual

I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.

@LeahTiscione

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

@SamuelHLowe

Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

@markleggett

My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.