By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Challenge accepted.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.