By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
You Might Also Like
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop