Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

War & Peace

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker