Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

This made me chuckle.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

my dad has had enough

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.