By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
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Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Eat…
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.