wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.