by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
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Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Okey dokey.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.