Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT