Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”