Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

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