by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
You Might Also Like
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I came this close!!!!
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
A friend sent me this.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…