By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
How to properly lift a body
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
The pen is writier than the sword.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
