this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
You Might Also Like
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Spirits im in need of your help
O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S
W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D
Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about
Father’s Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household
Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I would like a warm hound please
A flaming puppy
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.