@KateBrauning

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

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@GrantTanaka

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

@Book_Krazy

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

@ladybroseph

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

@phaggots

[ouija board]

Spirits im in need of your help

O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S

Sure

W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D

@Parker_Simpson

Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about

@yoyoha

Father’s Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household

@Twisted_Mettle

Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.

@Donna_McCoy

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

@tomipuff

I would like a warm hound please
“Excuse me?”
A flaming puppy
“…”
Fire canine
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch

@BuckyIsotope

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.