By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
You Might Also Like
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My dad is at it again
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”