Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train