by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
You Might Also Like
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication