Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated