Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strange

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these