By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
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Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
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“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
A completely valid reaction tbh
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit