By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend