Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

these two trucks have the same bed length

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater