Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”