Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark