Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.