Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.