By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
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Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.