Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?