I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.