by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I’m not stressed
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
wishing you and yours all the best
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.