Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur