Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy