By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
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It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Sure. Why not?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.