By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.