Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

🤣dope

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?