By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
🖕🏻👽
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.