By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.