by any beans necessary
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*