Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

#Caturday

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

I bet

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?