By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs