By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
i want it utterly assaulted.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.