By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped