Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *