Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.