Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

🤣could you imagine

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.