By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*