By Kate Hatos
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned