By Kate Hatos
You Might Also Like
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
hmmmmmm
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call