By Kate Hatos
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I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…