By Kate Hatos
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Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
💁🏻♂️
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…