by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
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German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.