by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
You Might Also Like
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.