by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
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🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
There is no “we” in pizza
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future