by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I hope they boil the right one.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.