By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I can’t stop watching this.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail