Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

technically true but not a great slogan

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency