“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”