Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

did it work

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.