@YUCKYBOT

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

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@Midgetspar

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

@Angibangie

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

@Hormonella

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

@TheMichaelRock

*wife notices the books all over the floor*

FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE’S NO SECRET PASSAGE!

@BoogTweets

Me: What do you give the girl that has everything

My Mom: Penicillin

@FuckabillyRex

Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

@stevevsninjas

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this