“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!