by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.