by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.